August 11, 2010 | Andy Boxall
You may have read Gizmodo’s report focusing (sorry) on cameras and profile picture selection, an article which has become infamous for suggesting that iPhone users have more sexual partners than Android owners. We don’t know whether this is real-world accurate, but if it is, we have a feeling said iPhone owners probably aren’t using these apps…
Did Gizmodo’s picture selection contain snaps cunningly modified using this application? No, we can safely say it didn’t, as only the person who thinks these pictures are convincing is the person who made them. Everyone else thinks something very different. The app, if you care, allows you to insert one of 15 ‘girlfriends’ into new or existing pictures of your own gurning mug. The results are far from seamless. $1.99/£1.19.
‘Hi there, I’m Dave, what’s your name? Wow, Cornelia; that’s unusual!’ The first moments of a beautiful relationship? No, because next, Dave and Cornelia whip out their iPhones, fire up MateMaterial and scrutinize each other while entering their observations into the app. Yes, you too can let your iPhone decide who you date!* $0.99/£0.59.
How lucky we are, as it’s now possible to reduce relationships to data stored inside an iPhone app! Want to keep track on how much you spend on someone, need to remember where you spent a special night together or whether you’d already purchased those crotchless panties for her? No problem! And we mustn’t forget the ability to add a rating for each girl either! Who said romance was dead? $0.99/£0.59.
The easy way to keep track of your sex life! Although you can add statistics regarding how many times you’ve had, or not had, sex on a daily, weekly or monthly basis, our very favorite part of this app is the ability to keep track of how many times you’ve ‘had to do it on your own’. We don’t want to make any assumptions, but if you’re regularly using this app, what a crowded section that must be. $0.99/£0.59.
We’re not going into detail, but ladies, if he’s ‘doing it wrong’, tap him on the shoulder and hand him your iPhone with this app already open. However, chances are he’ll have got the hint when you picked the phone up in the first place. Free.
Number One: You won’t learn anything about girls from an iPhone app. Free.
Described as a ‘love game’, or perhaps more accurately, ‘drunken love game’ this app provides a selection of dares for boys and girls, each of which must be completed in seven minutes. The iTunes page provides this heartwarming example: Go shower with a girl of your choice. Return in seven minutes’. What a beautiful sentiment, making this one ideal for your next swingers party. $6.99/£3.99.
Oh! You mean I can check my girlfriend’s face for bodily fluids straight from my iPhone? That’s EXACTLY what I’ve been after! I’ll do it every time she walks through the door, and then let her check me too! Hold on, what’s this? ‘Warning, App only simulates a true blacklight’. Spoilsports. $0.99/£0.59.
The title says it all, it’s a bloke in your pocket who talks, listens and does everything else that various magazines tell you real blokes don’t do. Our favorite part is the typo in the description, which says that when he talks back to you, you can make him funny, sexy or sweat! Yuck. $0.99/£0.59.
The epitome of sophistication, sure to make the object of your desire swoon with barely suppressed delight! The app uses a very large, red button to send forth that wonderful sound, making it ideal for those who often find themselves confused by apps requiring anything more than stabbing at the screen repeatedly until something happens. So, if your endless dribbling has made wolf whistling a somewhat messy affair, help is at hand! $0.99/£0.59.
*Just so you know, Cornelia rejected Dave on the grounds that he had a Bluetooth earpiece in his ear during their whole conversation, and Dave rejected Cornelia because she didn’t.